Why I Don't Present As Male

WHY I DON’T PRESENT AS “MALE”

I came out as trans back in the summer of 2018 after about a year of questioning my gender and a lifetime of feeling disconnected from my femininity. Until I saw a friend post on their Facebook about being trans, I didn't know I could just change my gender. I didn’t think I was trans enough. I wore dresses, I’d had a baby, I liked having long hair, I liked feminine things.

I am now 100% sure I want to transition and for me, that includes surgery and hormones. I am on an eighteen to a thirty-six-month waiting list for my local Gender Identity Clinic.

However, in the meantime, I am still stuck feeling like a fake trans. I have tried dressing exclusively in “men’s” clothing (and I do use quotation marks for the emphasis that the only thing that makes them men’s clothes is that they are cut for people with slim hips and flat chests) and I felt ridiculous. Like a kid when they put on their mum’s high heels and lipstick in an attempt to be a grown-up. 

Now, to be honest, I’ve never really liked high street store clothing. I have an aesthetic that is something between Jareth the Goblin King, Geralt of Rivea, Alucard from Castlevania and Legolas from The Lord of The Rings. So, based on that, the basic men’s clothing lines in stores being jeans and garish t-shirts, just doesn’t sit well with me. Coming out as trans was about being comfortable in myself and being true to myself. Dressing in clothing that isn’t my style, just for the sake of it being men’s clothing and having society see me as male, but still not being the type of man I want to still feel like lying to myself.

“Women’s” clothing is a lot more flamboyant. You can get shirts easily that have beautiful huge collars reminiscent of Elizabethan ruffs. I remember a particular pair of jeans (that my thighs have unfortunately caused to perish from friction) that were fastened with eyelets and lacing.

Moving on from clothing, I’ll come to my the thing I get asked about a lot: my hair. Do I plan to cut it short? Make it look more manly? Once again, my aesthetic comes into play. I never had long hair when I was younger. Every other girl in my class had beautiful long hair. Mine was always cut to chin length. It further disconnected seven-year-old me from my femininity. All the girls on TV had long hair. 

When I was in High School and trying to fit in by teaching myself make-up and hairstyling, I couldn’t do anything because my hair was short. As soon as I could, I bought hair extensions. I dreamt of long, thick hair. I saw characters like Lucius Malfoy (although I despise referring to characters from such a transphobic creator) and knew that was what I wanted. When I moved away from the village I grew up in and away from people who all looked the same, I saw boys and men with enviably long hair. It made me realise long hair wasn’t just for girls.

Hair, for me, is also a shield. You can’t hide behind short hair. But long hair can be worn brushed more over the face in a good old fashioned late nineties curtain style. On days when I want to hide away, I have hair to hide behind. 

The Western world values hair highly. It always has. Hair extensions, hair care. Celebrities might have their hair cut short but within a few weeks, they’ve had extensions installed. Long, thick hair is ideal and it’s one stupid thing I can’t drop and I want to be a part of.

After years of abusing my hair, however, I had to shave mine down to a number one all over back at the end of 2015. It was essentially the end of my commercial modelling career because my look was no longer considered pretty. But I had patches of tension alopecia, clumps of glue from extensions, and split ends and mattes aplenty. 

Women changing their hair is seen as one of the most empowering things they can do. Dying it beautiful vibrant colours, cutting it into amazing styles, brushing it into extravagant dos, it’s magic. And it’s a magic I want to keep, even as a man.

Moving on, I will briefly touch on chest binding. I got my first chest binder in the summer of 2019 but only got to wear it for a few weeks until I found out I was pregnant. I chest feed my baby and my three-year-old so I am unable to bind due to risk of mastitis and blocked milk ducts. Plus, trying to allow baby access to milk whilst wearing a binder is incredibly difficult! If I continue to feed my youngest until she naturally weans, it will be at least two years before I can wear a binder again before my milk supply has completely settled and I won’t be at risk of infection. However, I am still unsure whether I will give up extended feeding if the opportunity to start T arrises before my baby has weaned herself.

I also have a shoulder injury which means my shoulders are very weak. I cannot remove a binder by myself and need my partner’s assistance so it isn’t always practical for me to wear a binder. I did occasionally wear a very unsafe front fastening binder from Amazon which was an amazing boost to my self-confidence and dysphoria and affirmed for me that I want top surgery in the long run.

It is very difficult to drop feminine habits when you have been raised feminine without a male role model. It is disheartening when I know in my head, I am male, I am a man, and I want to be seen as male by everyone else, to know that everything I do is contradictory to how I feel inside.

I try micro presentations (small changes in my appearance) to be perceived as more masculine. I have let my eyebrows grow thick and bushy. I keep my nails short. I wear inserts in my shoes that make me as tall as most average men. I try to deepen my voice (unfortunately I get squeaky when I get excited and I lighten my voice when interacting with my children). I have learned how to furrow my brow in photos so my brow looks heavier. There is a way I can tilt my head to make my face less heart-shaped. There are a thousand minute things I do to try to be perceived more masculine, but until I start T, until I get top surgery, I know I’m never going to pass as male. So I’ve given up trying. I wish I could say I’ve given up caring and people tell me I shouldn’t care, it’s about how I feel inside, but when everyone is invalidating me and my gender, using terms they would only usually use for cis women, seeing my long hair and thinking female, it’s unintended (sometimes intended by the occasional TERF until I shut them down) but it is painful. It’s what makes me know until my body physically changes, until my jaw is squarer, until my chest is flat, until I have a five’ o’clock shadow, I won’t pass.

My ideal look is admittedly what society will still perceive as a very feminine man, but it is still a man.

Until then, I’m trying my best to block out the noise that comes with liking the things I do and dressing the way I dress. And I appreciate everyone who is reading this and trying to open their eyes to trans issues.